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Many educators, particularly those focused on having culturally responsive and inclusive classrooms, understand the value of being a “warm demander” for their students.  This term, originally coined in 1975 by Judith Kleinfeld, describes how teachers can hold their students to high expectations in a structured environment while still conveying a deep and sincere belief in, and care for, those students.  

More recently, teachers and coaches have described warm demanders as educators who, in the words of author Lisa Delpit, "expect a great deal of their students, convince them of their own brilliance, and help them to reach their potential in a disciplined and structured environment." If you are a teacher who is unfamiliar with this term, I strongly recommend making the effort to learn more about it, whether you work with underserved or highly privileged youth. 

This article is not focused on our students, however.  It is focused on you, the educator.  The purpose of this article is to invite YOU to extend the same level of warmth and unconditional positive regard to yourself.

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“It’s time to stop beating yourself up.”

When I speak to groups of students or educators, I make sure to touch on self-compassion as an important part of mindfulness practice.  Typically, I begin with the statement above, shortly followed by, “…it’s not working, nor is it doing what you think it is.”
 
I start my overview of self-compassion with this because the experience of mentally beating oneself up is rather universal in our culture.  Just about everyone does it, and I would guess that you do, too. (If you don’t, that is fantastic – keep at it!)

Negative self-talk and the inner critic are so pervasive because many people see it as useful.  Some people even resist being gentler with themselves because they think self-flagellation is how they “hold themselves accountable” or “stay in line” or “teach themselves a lesson” when they mess up.

What occurs, in truth, is that we activate our stress response - our heart rate rises, blood pressure goes up, and our cortisol (the stress hormone) levels increase.  This elevated state is not one where you can learn any sort of lesson.

Beating yourself up is a learned habit, and I would like to invite you to change this habit by doing the following: 

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